Excited!

After having written a post about engagement woes, it's time to write a post about engagement awesomeness!

Firstly, the guy.  The guy is great.  I feel like each of you have heard me say my piece about how much I love this guy, but I'll go ahead and repeat it.  He's fun and considerate and clean and kind.  He knows when to calm me down and when to let me vent (usually).  He is stoked about travel and world cultures and food and all those things that I love.  He's super smart about scriptures and has a strong testimony and drive to do good.  He's infinitely patient.  I just love him.  Quite a bit.

Secondly, the parties.  Showers?  Those are great.  And not really because of the presents (though I'm constantly floored by everyone's generosity and kindess--it doesn't go unnoticed!)  But it's been so much fun to see friends and family that I don't really get to see very often.  I get to catch up with everyone and receive a million hugs and give a million thanks, and it's my favorite.

Thirdly, the support. Weddings are fun,  but they are WORK!  And I've had an incredible support system.  I'm so grateful to my mama for her endless amount of ideas and energy and work in creating something beautiful for her daughter.  And my poppa for his ingenuity and crazy ideas and his loving advice and for opening his pocketbook so generously.  I'm grateful to Lacy to have someone to bounce ideas off of, to support each other through this craziness, to lament together, and also to get super excited about cool wedding things.  I'm grateful to Megan and Kristin and Aubree for the wedding crafts they've put together out of the goodness of their hearts.  I'm grateful to my amazing brother Adam for the website and announcements he so beautifully created out of thin air.  I'm grateful to Jami and Katie and Lynsie and Aysia for their excitement and encouragement and kind words of support through all of this.

Lastly, the wedding.  California.  In less than three weeks.  With all of my favorite people in the world.  I cannot wait to party it up and to marry an incredible man and to have beach and sun time.  And to start a forever marriage.

Let me just say thank you to all of you.  And thanks again.

One Month to Go!

We are officially one month til D-Day.

31 Days.

Good crap!

Here's the Thing

about engagements.

No one tells you how hard it can be.  About waking up every morning, knowing how different everything will be soon.  That solitary bed will be no longer.  The luxury of the snooze button won't be as frequent.  The name you have, your family name, that changes to something new. That space in your mind for yourself grows smaller as you push it aside to make room for someone else.

When you've spent 26 years of life thinking of yourself, of your hopes and dreams, your flaws and imperfections, and your skills, too, your emotional state, just you... adding in a partner?  That's big.  His hopes and dreams, his future, and yours, his emotional state; that takes up valuable real estate in your mind.

And it's a relief.  To stop thinking about yourself.  Just stop, because there are other people in the world, too.

But it's also scary.  Because you can't change things for him.  You can offer help, and be the greatest cheerleader, and be the clown if he needs.  But you can't change how he feels, how he functions under the burdens.  And it's the same for him as well, not being able to change how you think and feel.

This whole idea, that two lives, two souls, two minds and hearts, can be intertwined as one... it's incredible and inspiring and actually REAL.  It's LOVE.  And people talk about how beautiful love is.

And I guess people talk about how hard marriage is, too.  But it seems like people skip the "here's how to..." part.  Here's how to overcome the emotional wrecks that happen.  Here's how to support each other.  Here's how to reconcile two lives that have been growing separate and strong for the formative life years.  Here's the honest truth, that being married is so much deeper and more complex than just "it's hard" or "it's the best thing ever".

It's somewhere in the middle and all the things at once.  I'm excited and anxious and scared, and mostly, I just hope that being scared doesn't mean that I can't also be excited.  Because I WANT to be that bride that jumps for happiness, that can't stop telling her friends how wonderful her fiance is, that confesses her love to strangers, and never stops smiling when she thinks of him.  But in that wanting, I find myself held back... by the realness of building a life that promises difficulties.

And promises love.  And happiness and excitement, and real joy and forehead kisses, late night walks and a hand to hold, for always.  And that's worth the "hard" of it all.