Here's the Thing

about engagements.

No one tells you how hard it can be.  About waking up every morning, knowing how different everything will be soon.  That solitary bed will be no longer.  The luxury of the snooze button won't be as frequent.  The name you have, your family name, that changes to something new. That space in your mind for yourself grows smaller as you push it aside to make room for someone else.

When you've spent 26 years of life thinking of yourself, of your hopes and dreams, your flaws and imperfections, and your skills, too, your emotional state, just you... adding in a partner?  That's big.  His hopes and dreams, his future, and yours, his emotional state; that takes up valuable real estate in your mind.

And it's a relief.  To stop thinking about yourself.  Just stop, because there are other people in the world, too.

But it's also scary.  Because you can't change things for him.  You can offer help, and be the greatest cheerleader, and be the clown if he needs.  But you can't change how he feels, how he functions under the burdens.  And it's the same for him as well, not being able to change how you think and feel.

This whole idea, that two lives, two souls, two minds and hearts, can be intertwined as one... it's incredible and inspiring and actually REAL.  It's LOVE.  And people talk about how beautiful love is.

And I guess people talk about how hard marriage is, too.  But it seems like people skip the "here's how to..." part.  Here's how to overcome the emotional wrecks that happen.  Here's how to support each other.  Here's how to reconcile two lives that have been growing separate and strong for the formative life years.  Here's the honest truth, that being married is so much deeper and more complex than just "it's hard" or "it's the best thing ever".

It's somewhere in the middle and all the things at once.  I'm excited and anxious and scared, and mostly, I just hope that being scared doesn't mean that I can't also be excited.  Because I WANT to be that bride that jumps for happiness, that can't stop telling her friends how wonderful her fiance is, that confesses her love to strangers, and never stops smiling when she thinks of him.  But in that wanting, I find myself held back... by the realness of building a life that promises difficulties.

And promises love.  And happiness and excitement, and real joy and forehead kisses, late night walks and a hand to hold, for always.  And that's worth the "hard" of it all.